This is me

shihui
used to be in Anglican High
Girl Guides; Sunflower patrol
currently in Ngee Ann Poly
Chinese Media and Communication

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Music Playlist at MixPod.com

It marks the end of school, at least its the "official" end of school semester for this year. It ended on a high note, watching short theatre productions by our classmates. With chinese xiang sheng, and other plays, it was interesting. Somehow or other, I think I managed to make an impression on my lecturer, she saying that her impression of me is one with low energy, perhaps because I was not actually putting much effort in class and was always lying or dozing off, so she thought I wasn't really good in expressing. But apparently, after the first showcase of one person dialogue, she caught the impression that I was considered not bad and in which I can act in the character that I chose. She said I should have shown her more of the "energy" that I have.

I guess, theatre drama module is the module that made me more confident when presenting. I was actually thinking about the module taken when I was in Year 1, Speech and presentation skills. Somehow, this module is supposed to improve on our speaking and presenting along with confidence. However, I actually thought that this is the module which pulled my confidence down with all the criticism from the lecturer. I guess, different lecturer have different outcomes, or maybe the problem lies with me. I shouldn't speak instead should just act something... haha... But drama module really got me more interested into theatre, not to mention the fact that I was interested before.

Though there is no more lectures, there is still exam and of course project. The problem with the project is that it eats into study break. So instead of resting or studying for exams, we got to rack our brains within the two weeks for a decent proposal and pitch it, and the datelines are so last minute. Its tiring... and once again, I'm procrastinating...

And definitely, I should try to blog more :D

Maybe I should start writing something.. haha.. have been reading stories online, and suddenly feel like writing one with all the ideas in my head. Soon I guess, the story is being churned out somewhere, but I got a feeling it won't end.. haha.. that's so me =D Procrastination... Maybe I should delete all the posts from this blog, especially after studying the lesson on defamation. I bet I defame quite a number of people up here even though I did not use their names, but initial. I don't think I even state my workplace, did I? Still contemplating...

Went back to click through my links. Some of them still working, others said goodbye. Went through guides website to find the posts since Pam opened the blog is still up :D Though it was only four months worth of post, probably about 16 posts, but it still brought back memories. haha.. Scary but fun memories that will always bring a smile to my face. Though may not or rather do not know half of the batch now, besides my patrol, but I guess its still getting stronger. Sometimes talking with the others, especially Joan about the old times can be fun, but with memories, there is always regrets. Regrets with the fact that they didn't like us, the fact that they did not have faith in us to be able to lead well, but nevertheless, we still made it through. :D I guess, I'm really getting old. 19 this year. 3 years since graduating. But still, secondary school days, no wonder people say they are the best. Cherish and treasure when we can. I regret not treasuring...

This is the period when I really feel myself not part of them. The feeling is like I'm just a person who rents a room. There isnt much interaction, not that I dont make an effort for that, but because I really have no idea what to say to them. Its like I just stays in my room most of the time, and them popping in occasionally for no idea what, and thats all... Nothing goes on, nothing happens, but the feeling is there. Its getting worse lately. Small things have been attracting my attention to read into them. It makes the feeling worse, but I cant seem to let it go. Its not like I force myself to read them thoroughly, but somehow or other, it bottles my mind. It really makes me wonder more than I can help it. Small things like being late for the timing I fixed, and yet if I were to be late by just 1 minute of her timing, things get complicated. Trying as much as I can to avoid any eruption from me and to her, but patience is winding out... Situation now is like a volcano emitting tons of ashes and gases, but still not knowing when it will erupt..

Perhaps silence really doesnt mean anything, its just that I am avoiding the situation. But then again, is it better to avoid it?

The image of my dad standing in the middle of the house in the dark keeps appearing before my eyes. He seems to be at a loss of what to do, because of the war. I do know that he is in a dilemma, thinking of ways to try to end it, but still... It really aint easy. Some things are kept in the bottom of the heart for a long time, when it has been sealed for really long time, and things keep stacking up, one day, it will just explode. I am really scared that that day would come.

I am sort of like trying to not bother her much, and getting out of her sight, by closing into my room. does it really work out? Doubt so eh? Besides that, I really have no idea what to do. Its like this is the best I can do to not bother her much instead of retorting back at her. At least I dont make her feel worse. but, is that right? I need an idea.... Feeling tired...

After listening to the others today, it is true that every family has its own problems. So do mine.. Its starting again, but I am the one involved now. Sometimes, I dont really understand what she wants. If I talk, she becomes angry and sad, if I dont, she thinks I am not listening. Either way, its wrong... Sometimes, I really cant help it but wanting to give up. Upon hearing the others on their stories, I am starting to realize how immature we are in handling these. Retorting back aint going to help the situation, but keeping quiet isnt helping too. So, whats left to do? I really dont know...

Wayne sort of gave us a "lecture" about characters of people, while waiting for the others. What he told me was not to do things to the extreme. Though having no idea what he is referring to specifically, but more or less I sort of figure something out. Its true that some things I do is really extreme, in the way I differentiate, people to be the most common. Its like the simplest thing, like I like you means I like you, I dont like you means I really dont like you. There isnt any space in between for me to play around. For the past term, I have been looking at Alessia, realizing how smart she is. She doesnt show out to other people straightforward, but instead turns a big round, whereas, I am really to an extent that I dont even bother about that person, not even caring to leave an empty space in between us. To some extent, its obvious just by looking, but to another extent, its like closing up all the retreat roads, leaving myself with no backups if anything happens. Its like digging a well, jumping inside and then closing it up before finding a way out.

From that, regarding my current situation, its like I really dont have a back road. In front of me, there's only 2 paths. Either to make up or continue the war. All of a sudden, I thought of Japan in WW2. They had only 2 chances when the Americans bombed them. Either to concede defeat or risk the lives of their people and continuing fighting. In the end, they took the road of defeat. War is never good, regardless of what it is. It just makes people physically and mentally plus spiritually tired, thats all. I do know that I should try to make up, but its like there's this pride in me that refused to. Currently, making up is like admitting that I am in the wrong, which almost equals to conceding defeat. If I do approach her this time, she's going to use the same tactic every time. Perhaps it may seem immature, but this time round, I am not backing down, at least not for the moment. It has been 3 days, since I last talk to her, but 2 hours ago, since she last message me. Though so, her tone and speech was not very nice. Should I be happy that she messaged, because she remembered, or should I be sad because of the words she use? Those words really hurt a lot. Its already the end of my limit...

Heart to Heart by 4minute.

The guy is Jung shin from CN Blue. Nice choosing in the character, but weird MV, since the MV doesnt really fit the title? At least it is talking about breaking up in a relationship, but the title is heart to heart. From the title, aint it supposed to be saying how sweet the relationship is? but the lyrics and mv tells otherwise. Does it make sense?

Anyway, the song is still quite okay...

Next race will be the Nike goddess race on 7th May, if they signed up for it. That will be another 'race' in which I will just slack and walk throughout. I mean I could finish one round around Bedok Reeservoir in about 40 mins, and that is like 4.8km. I think if I walk throughout, I might finish it in an hour or so. Even if it defeats the purpose of participating in the race, but forget it. Its time to just enjoy and slack around.

Biggest slacker :D ---- Thats ME!!!! :P

Training has been like 3 times each week, though I dont go for all 3. The thought of having 3 on alternate days is like hell, is like putting an invisible weight on my mind, plus half being forced to go is 10 times worse. Sometimes, I really have this 冲动 to just give up this cca and end up without one. But it doesnt make sense now since the thursday class is starting to let us to our own 套路 freely. I just like the feeling of doing it by myself, without anyone watching or without anyone talking, and of course with a bigger space. Carpet or not, it doesnt really matter to me.

Sometimes, I am regretting to agreeing to join competition. the same feeling of losing the motivation to train is getting larger. And it doesnt help by forcing. The feeling just get worse. Somehow, when competition is near, some get more motivation to train, but some dont. and apparently I am one of those who dont. Its this kind of time that I hate it. Cant anyone just give me some time and space to sort things out? Its like the more people force, the more I am most likely to rebel. Never did I give an exact answer to any question, especially when it comes to asking whether I am going for training. Standard answer is 'see how lor', which doesnt have any specific meaning. Assuming that it is a 'no', is definitely a 'no-no'. It just means that i am contemplating, thats all. It aint very hard to understand is it?

caught the eyes of over 51 million people. I bet half of them are people like me who got nothing better to do, and is curious about the song. Back to baby time...

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